One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
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i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct