Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
When libraries troll their patrons.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]