My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.