Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.