ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet