My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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Always a metermaid never a meter
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.