I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
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The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.