my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
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My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
i will avenge u mr van gogh
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping