*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
the clam before the storm
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did