[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
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“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Sniffing the broccoli
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”