Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”