Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.