What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face