Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend