Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel