Going to church you guys need anything
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I just tested negative for patience.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?