They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
When the stylist spins you back around
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that