Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
You Might Also Like
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.