I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.