Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Matt Goss
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
The symmetry is uncanny.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Traveler’s camo
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.