Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
United Steaks of America
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.