Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
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“I’m sorry”:
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volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
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volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
*pronounces patio like ratio
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”