me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
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the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
this is the best interaction on twitter
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.