*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this