ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
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[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me