it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
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My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
(Electricians.)
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*seductively peels off lederhosen
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)