[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March