[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Close call…
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle