If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
You Might Also Like
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating