My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Not today.. 😂