Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on