IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I have a new favorite meme page
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together