[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
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*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog