Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
my professor scared me for a second
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.