I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
You Might Also Like
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family