In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.