make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan