challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
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A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
October already? What’s next? November????
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Stop sending me this shit.