the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever