I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
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in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.