Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.