This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.