Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*