Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts