My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
my mom making me talk to relatives
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.