Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
the Monday after daylight savings
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I love wikipedia
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.