my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
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boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it