Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*