I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
You Might Also Like
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Get off my horse you stupid moon
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming