Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Everyone’s family
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars